I was living in Florida, working my first “big girl job” in a field I never had interest in…Finance. I had taken the job because I felt like I was going nowhere with my life, I was tired of waitressing, and I thought maybe moving to a new place would help wake me up, almost like pushing my reset button. I was living by myself, with some family within driving distance, but no one I really knew around me. The work I did was simple, but I really did not even understand what I was doing. I just knew I had to do the same task by a certain time, and that was that. Making friends was so challenging. A lot of people in the office were older, married with children, or in serious relationships. Nobody was a spur-of-the-moment kind of person, which I am all about— Wanna get a drink after work? Sure! That was never really the case, and it was frustrating. I was a social person! I valued my friends and nights out at the time, so this was a big change for me. I was literally waking up, working out, going to work, coming home and cooking dinner, cleaning up, watching TV, going to bed. Repeat. I actually opened a Netflix account and got the Netflix DVDs mailed to my apartment. I watched about 3 movies a week, saving at least one for my Friday or Saturday night. What else was I going to do? I also started to seriously write music at this time. I would say one of the benefits of having this life changing experience was that I had so many emotions and thoughts, and it all started to pour out of me. I wrote about 20+ songs within a two-month time frame. Some of you might think that that’s not a lot for a songwriter, but for someone who had only fully written one song before this, it was a huge deal.
I remember going outside after work, sitting on my chair with my guitar, and playing 4 chords that ended up supporting the intro and chorus of my song “Alone.” I mumbled words and melodies, recorded a few voice memos, and after listening and replaying, I came up with my chorus. Everything was so easy after that. This was one of those songs where I did not second-guess any lyrics or arrangements. It was 100% organic. I was playing and recording, listening and playing, then playing and recording. I had all of the words memorized before I even wrote them down. I still have those original voice memos, and it is so amazing to hear what I had in the beginning, knowing what the finished song is now. How did I get from that to this final song! I love that stuff.
“Alone” is just about that…feeling alone. The lyrics “every night I go home right on time” are so chilling to me, because it was so true. I was on repeat and I hated it. I specifically remember one Friday evening after work, getting into my car and crying because I had no plans and no friends to hang out with. I only had the knowledge that I was going to go home and be alone after a long week of work. I had money. I had benefits. I had a nice ass apartment. I had sunshine and warmth all year. But none of that mattered. I did not feel fulfilled with my life, and I did not want to live like this for the next 5, 10, even 30 years. I remember thinking, ‘this isn’t how I want my life to be.’ I did not “feel alive” and it was time to move on.
I was recently feeling down about my music career and life, and decided to listen to this song while driving. I cried! (I swear I don’t cry all the time). Just listening to the words, and thinking about how I must have felt when I wrote this song really got to me. Don’t get me wrong…some good came from my time working down in Florida. I got to see my grandparents and my uncle more often. I know the Disney parks inside out! I tried something new and different and gave it a chance before deciding how I felt. I learned so much about who I was as a person. I did go out and have fun. I did make some friends (some that came and went), and I enjoyed every bit of sunshine I could get! But, it was not the life for me.
I love every song I write, and as an independent, unknown artist releasing my first EP at the time, my producer and I carefully chose which songs to record and release. I am so proud of this song. I hope that my experience of being sad and wanting to change something to spare my happiness can help someone who may be going through the same thing.
Listen to this song below.